I have not typed here in so long! 5 months, give or take weeks. University is going well, my last exam is tomorrow and this will have me completing my first year of university….1 down 2 to go :)
I have some things in which I need to get of my chest, first of all love life…Well lets just say this is going slow, there’s a few guys, one I have seen twice, things are well but there is no spark, no energy, no passion…So all things in my heart are telling me to let go, but my brain is telling me not to be alone.
There is another guy, someone I have a lot of time for…He is the nicest guy I know, he’s sweet….most of all he’s funny!! Someone who can make me laugh I’m normally there’s…My heart is telling me this guy is right, but my brain is saying he isn’t what you want. Which he isn’t, is he?
I say I want the model/trophy boyfriend who others will think wow, that’s phils guy…But do I really? Will this bring me happiness.
I make myself popular as my biggest fear is being alone. I don’t ever want to be alone so I surround myself by people who love & hate me.
What is my life?
I live with another person, he’s good…I care for him a lot…I say a little to much, I need to detach myself from this one, he is an idiot and worst of he isn’t even gay. Why on earth did I just type that? I don’t even fancy him……I hope.
Phoning home is getting hard, with mother being ill and me not being there it is difficult to trust others to look after her but they seem to be doing a good job, she is getting better.
I think I am an emotional wreck…My aura is so full of things I do not want there…My energy is weak and my overall spiritual health is fucked up, I need some sort of aura cleansing or something…
Wow, I didn’t mean for this to get so sad, lets balance it out with the good things in life…
People I actually love are in my life…I have the best people who offer me their love and I am grateful for every second they are there.
People want things to change in their life, but they are not willing to let go of what they have now? How on earth can you accept new into your life when your hands are full…Put down what you have now and pick up the new, the better. Just because you want better does not mean what you have now is worse. Change is risky, scary and god dam heart breaking at times. But I believe the risk is always worth it, you will accept new into your life and this is what is needed…Wow, I think I have just solved my own problem…
Love & peace <3
My Brother: ‘Mum, I have something to tell you…I’m….I’m…Straight’
Seems silly doesn’t it.
Then why should I tell her I’m gay?
Many people ask me my coming out story….Truth be told, I don’t have one…My brother never had a straight party? Its makes me wonder as well many people struggle with becoming gay…I understand if you live in an environment in which find it disgraceful…But I live in UK….Its very accepted, so for me…It was literally like turning on a light switch, my friends seen me kissing a guy in a night club…They were shocked at first and asked me about it the next day, they said ‘Phil, you kissed luke’ I replied…’Yer I know’ They then replied with ‘Of all the guys you pick him…’ HAHA! We laughed and moved on…. Labels are for tins of food people….
Well I hope you have a good new year!! bring on 2013…Remember stay positive! :)
Firstly I hope my blog is bringing you all what you want to see :) If not submit and I will try to get what you asked for :)
Secondly, I have been home from university not to long now and I really want to go back, I miss it so much, I miss the independence! Plus home life is such an effort!
Okay so I have also been back to training, my body is in agony…Mr. Kung Fu was there, I still fancy him but I am rather blar-zay around him…What I mean is im not really bothered that he is there. If you don’t know who he is read back through some previous posts and I mention him :p I think I have him an alias.
I am off out for chinese food tomorrow so this shall be so much fun! :) Plus someone is going to go on karaoke! Which shall be fun! I won’t really be bothered if they pick me, I’m not to bad haha! :p
If you want me to discuss something, or offer you advice please message me :)
Peace and love!
First of the cutest apology must go to this page as I haven’t made any entries!
With university starting and meeting new people I have been on the go for a long time, I have rebloged yes, but as you would all agree there is always time for the reblog session!!
Like if fun at the moment, I have lived in wales for 11 weeks now, I am currently back home in order to spend the festive times with the family!
Sorry this is such a short entry and also a very boring one, being at home I will have loads of time on my hands, so I will place more entries soon!
Merry Christmas! <3
It has been ten days since I made my last entry! … Sorry guys!
I have decided I am going to let go of Mr. Kung Fu, like the boomerang, if he comes back then that would be great and I will let him in my life then, but only till then! Anyway, me and my friends exchanged leaving gifts for when I leave for university, I got such amazing gifts, words were said and tears were shed, it was an emotional ride, I hide my tears well and I fought them strong. I don’t like to cry! Gives me headaches ¬_¬
Anyway life is going good at the moment and I am enjoying a lot of it :) … Mr. Kung Fu and his friend are getting closer and it doesn’t really bother me because I have my friends and I have my loved ones, I am grateful for them, if more loved ones coem into my life then that would be a positive, but until then, I have university to look forward to and I think time is going to fly by, 22 days until I move!! …
Thanks for reading this bit of a shit entry..
Okay, its time I made another entry, it has been a while…i just want to add an update, I have a situation and I am going to use fake names through this story…
I fancy a boy in training called Michael, me and Michael were good mates, he would spend a lot of time with me training, one on one, he didn’t know I fancied him, he enjoyed his time with me. One day I plucked up the courage to ask Michael if he was gay, this is the conversation; “Michael, can I ask you a question” I said, “Yer” he replied, I said ” Are you gay?” I said, he relied with “What?” I said “You herd”. He said “Am I gay? No?” I said “okay” and left the room. He later that day came up to me and said “Can I have a word?” I was like “Of course” he said “i’m sorry if I seemed abit abrupt with the answer it took me by suprise, why did you ask me?” I replied, “I wanted to know for me to know thats all, no one has said anything or mentioned to me, I just wanted to know” He said “okay” and left, I went to him a bit later on and explained I’m sorry for putting him on the spot like that it wasnt fair, and all was good between me and Michael.
Time goes on, he said “Why did you want to know anyway?” and someone came in the room so I never answered, I later text him saying, “I wanted to know because I fancy you” he never replied, but I didn’t expect him to, how could you begin to answer that?
I turn up early to training, I have done with Michael for months now, so we can train each other a little bit before class begins, and now this other lad, David we shall call him, has started to show up, David is all good, but Michael has started to lick David’s ass a little bit. And when its us three I feel out the group, I don’t feel like they involve me at all, and because I feel for Michael it affects me more than it should, therefore I am not turning up early any more, why should I put myself through a situation like that! Its not fair on me, when Michael first found out I fancied him he was so good with me not allowing it to affect our relationship!! And suddenly, I feel pushed out…It’s so annoying!! I feel pushed away, so I am taking myself out of the equation!!
I really like him.
Peace out diary lovers <3
Tonight I would like to talk about a little something I call ‘positivity’. If people give you advice that has the tinest bit of negativity in it, throw it away, if you have a friend that tells you, its okay to cry, here is my shoulder, punch them in the face…To me, positivty is one of the strongest things in your life that you can ever possess, it shapes your life, it allows you to control anything you want!!
If I am upset, all my friends won’t hug me, they wont pat me on the shoulder and say ‘it will be okay’ when they know themselves it wont be. They will use every ounce of energy they have in order to make me smile, to make me laugh, to take me away from the situation and into a lighter one, this is true friendship, when you have someone in your life that can do this hold onto them as tight as you can, knowing they will never go away!
I got some advice the other day, and it was about a guy I fancy and I didn’t know if he was gay, so it lowered my hopes in the situation, then I thought how am I suppose to adjust this in my life…So I changed my opinion on the situation and it went in my favour….Also be grateful for everything you have, and own…what we THANK about, we BRING about! How can you have more in your life if your not grateful for what you posses already!!
But remember, stay positive, THOUGHTS CONTROL FEELINGS…Most people this they think because they feel, but you feel because of what you think….Put music on you like, put a TV on you like, do something you like, you will then think positive and then feel positive, and then and only then will you feel happy in your life!
TRUE! am living proof it works!
Today may be the most important entry ever! I asked my Kung Fu guy if he was gay, the answer was no, but this isn’t going to dampen my spirits!
I had a dream, I am not going to put the dream up, its very personal and special to me and it means a lot.
I don’t know where to go from here….I will miss him when I move away to university
that is all
Love me x
As some of you well know today was my grading in Kung Fu, I was grading for my yellow belt which included 4 minuet horse stance, moi fah kuen kata and 5 defence techniques. We shall get to the grading result later I have more pressing news! … The guy from training that I fancy was my partner, he was so good to me in the means of tutoring me and advice and everything, I am 22…He is 17, not that age matters, anyway, we normally arrive at training about 5pm, lesson starts at 7, this gives us a good chance to get some practice in, and some guy has started showing up at training at 5 and it does my head in because I like to spend time with my kung fu guy alone!! .. So today, he left training without saying goodbye and I was devastated, but then later on a few hours later I received a phone call, it was him! … How sweet, and he suggested getting there at 4:30pm, half an hour to spend alone without that guy there, how nice is that! I am not saying he fancies me and he has an alterer motive to that he is only doing this because he fancies me, I am saying he is doing this because he is a generous guy, I believe it is a better way to look at it…Either way he must enjoy spending time with me otherwise he wouldn’t want to spend time with me and take the time out his day to phone me and arrange times with me, what a great guy he is and someday, he will make someone very happy, hopfully he would do the honours and make me happy, but we shall see how this one goes ey ;)
Oh, I passed my yellow belt with 83% :) This is considered high :) I now have my second belt in Kung Fu !! :D Partly thanks to him <3
Also, leave something in my ask box, topics that I can discuss here, or offer my opinion on this, I will even mention blogs and link you :)
Today’s entry I am going to talk about looks, I’ve got Michael Jackson song’s playing, it suits the topic. So I seen a picture of they saying ‘you should not care about the size of the jeans, more about the size of the heart’ or something along them lines.
I don’t totally believe in that, if you want to be friends with them yes, size wouldn’t matter, but if in a relationship, its a factor, a HUGE factor. The way someone looks matters I believe, you have to fancy them in order to have a relationship with them, and this accounts for body size. Animals that are in the wild will choose the fittest, strongest, biggest animal of their species they can to mate with as they want their young to be big and strong in order to survive…Survival of the fittest, and after all we are evolutionary version of animalia.
If you have a different opinion then please, let me know! I would love to hear it, I can even add it to my next diary entry! :)
*By relationship I mean, boyfriend/girlfriend.
The guy I fancy now, that I train with, I never fancied him until I got to know him, this is strange as I noticed his positivity, his smile, his personality, then I started to fancy him, he has an amazing smile and straight white teeth, he’s got some stubble and a body of a god! … I just struck lucky I guess.
Write to me followers! <3 Peace & love!
Well, I am now 22 this is the first post I make as a 22 year old, here it goes…
Okay, so for todays entry I have chosen a little song called ‘So confused’ by Raghav…I love this song, makes me smile and reminds me of summer! :) Plus, love abit of reggae/R&B :D
I have had an awesome few days, Thursday I went down to the Hilton hotel in Chester and stayed one night with my best friend!!! She surprised me with the stay, we went to the pool, spar, jacuzzi, sauna, steam room the works! … We had a ‘slap up’ meal and champagne, then we went into Chester for a night out, the morning came and we had an all you can eat breakfast buffet, Challenge accepted >:) I got some cloths from French Connection, love that place, plus a few jeans from Levis!
Then today I had a training session with the guy I fancy again, just us two! It was nice, we shared a moment and I consoled in him with some private things about myself…I don’t know why but I naturally trust him, this must mean something does it not?
Well, he said I should pass grading as the time draws near, its just when grading finishes I hope he will still come in early with me!! .. I don’t want our time that we spend together to stop!
Well, this completes another diary entry, I am going to carry on watching the Olympics opening ceremony, good night all!
Emergency entry! The guy in training, we shall call him ‘Kung fu’.
So I had a session with Kung Fu today, and going into the training area with the understanding that he hasn’t got an alterer motive for being with me, and having a genuine reason to help me progress. Well I found that, either way he must enjoy spending his free time with me otherwise he wouldn’t want to hang round with me of his own accord, this is a positive.
Either way, after the 5th of august, I am telling him I fancy him, and no matter what the answer will be I am willing to accept it and move forward knowing the answer will always be the right one. I trust in whatever lies ahead, and I am ahppy and have accepted that! …
The only thing is I cannot stop thinking about him, I want to know what he is doing (Probably sleeping as its 2:11am) but you know what I mean, I want to know how he is, WHY?! Why do I feel like this, well he’s a nice guy and a cuddle from him wouldn’t be so bad! … A kiss, a touch…Just to have him in the same room would be my blessing. But ah well, we will soon find out the result of all this. If anyone has any ideas how I should tell him without embarrassing myself or him then please, drop me a message!
I am so sorry for not updating you diary, please forgive me, whilst writing this I have chosen the playlist…Inspiration, to write something in a journal, or to console ones thoughts the correct mood should be set.
Place, this is important, the vibrations from your possessions is important to set with your mood, just think, if something is in the corner of your eye and its not sitten right, if its not tidy or just out of place, this disturbs your chi, your internal energy and therefore you cannot console correctly.
The lighting, if its to bright, your eyes constrict reducing the light getting into your eyes and therefore you lose sight of what you wish to type, as the eyes in the phsyical world tend to close, so do the ones of the mind.
The music, music creates feelings, puts thoughts into your head, how many times have you randomly heard your favourite song and sung along, then thought happy thoughts or feelings that bring you peace and serenity.
Inspiration consits of the songs Lux Aeterna by Clint Mansell.
So, I have kind off fell for a guy, I don’t love him, I know this as love is a much stronger feeling than this, but I really like him, he is a guy at my training class, we work close together.
I never noticed him for the way he looks, nor the way he acts, or the skills he has as a martial artist, but his chi, I am such a believer in chi and I believe this is what brought us close, our energies matched and this is the universes way of staying in harmony by putting these two chi’s together in the same place. Kind of makes sense, anyway, his chi, his natural energy I felt the positivty from him, this is the single most attractive thing someone can have, if they feel ood about themselves it kind of has an impact on the way you feel and the feeling of positivity emmits onto you, this is the reason I decided to get to know him more, I then started to feel for him, everytime he spoke, he spoke through a smile, he spoke through his positivity, then i noticed he really is good looking and the fact yes, I did fancy him! … I grow more for him each day and yet he does not know this, I will tell him, just after grading for yellow belt, he is my partner for grading and is currently helping me to train hard and get fit for the upcoming dates.
He truly is one of a kind, he’s done a lot for me, and yet he doesn’t even know me, and my god I have only just realised, it may not be because he fancies me (I hope he does) but it may be he’s just a nice guy and i am kind of okay with this, I didn’t really want to admit it, but once I do I can happily move on forward. Its okay though, he still will be mine. I feel it!
Sitting here with two best friends (one of them is : http://kayleighatsix.tumblr.com/) and I think, its time to make a diary update.
paying of my debts and finally getting the number from a guy I have been after in ages has been a revelation in my life!! Think positive and the things you want will just fall into your life.
The secret really does work!! <3
The guy I have fancied for ages also invited me for private training sessions with him! AND he told me to keep it to myself that these were going occur!! How exciting is that!!
Life is good!! join me at the top of the world my followers!!!
Love you all <3
Hi diary, I have finished college and I have literally nothing to do, but wait until work days come. I need to find a way to earn some more money, but I have not yet received a signal, I will one day though, I am sure its close.
I will one day have my vast fortune, and then I shall be tumbling from my penthouse over looking a bay of a hot exotic island. People say, that’s a nice dream, I say, its a deadline!
Okay so its my birthday in 24 days, I will be 22….Don’t ever want to be that age, so therefore I am 19 again.
Now that’s okay, a guy in training asked me to get there at 5pm! 5! Our training lesson doesn’t start till 7!! he wants me there early so I can spend time with him! It must be that, what else could it be?
It will just be me and him in the whole training school….alone….YES!
So the beginning of my diary and my first entry will tell off my times so far, college has finished, forever!! University starts in september, only 8 week away and I kiss goodbye to liverpool!
its so scary but exciting at the same time, there are many things I am going to miss, My best friends…Charley, http://kayleighatsix.tumblr.com/ and Abbie!!
Also Kung Fu I will miss them all dearly, they are like family to me! Especially the boy I see there, Matthew, I have the biggest crush on him, I will give you a scale on how much I like him, I think about what he is doing at nights, whether he is asleep or awake thinking of me and it aches to not know! Now according to my standards that’s having it bad for someone!
My friends better visit me and not leave me in Wales all alone!! … There are trains and its only 2 hours away, land of the sheep its known for :p
Well for the first entry, that’s all!! <3